The Hardest Lesson
by MistyC
Summary: Estel learns the hardest lesson that all healers must face. Written for ME Express prompt 9: Experience. 2006 MEFA nominee. 2006 MC award nominee.


Disclaimers: I do not own any of Tolkien's characters. I make no money from any of this.

Author's Notes: This story was inspired by the Middle Earth Express # 9 Prompt: Experience. Since I could not tell this story in 500 words or less, I didn't even try.

I need to thank Rhonda and Terri for helping me with this story, giving me their opinions when a second opinion was badly needed and helping me to see a way to improve on the original story. Also, thanks to everyone who contributed elvish blessings.

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Estel stood in the courtyard of Imladris, looking around at the chaos surrounding him, feeling lost. Elladan came over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and steering him to the side while two elves carried yet another wounded villager into the houses of healing. A large band of orcs had attached a nearby village, killing and wounding many people. While some of the Imladris warriors had responded and chased down the orcs, ensuring they would harm no other innocent people, the other elves had taken on the task of transporting all of the wounded and displaced people to Imladris for help and healing. All available healers were called to help, including sixteen year old Estel, who was still early in his healing training. He had been inside the healing ward with Elrond earlier, stitching some of the more minor injuries until Elrond asked him to carry a message to Elladan, who was outside sorting the wounded.

After delivering his message, Estel was recruited by Elladan to help in his task. As Elladan moved between the men, he showed Estel how to tell which people would benefit from their help, which ones needed help more urgently than others, and which were beyond any help they could give. Based on this ranking system, the people were taken to different rooms in the halls. Some were rushed into surgery, some were given bandages to help stop their bleeding until they could be seen later, while others were given only pain killing tea and helped to a sleep they would not awake from. Estel did his best to help Elladan sort the wounded, but he found it incredibly difficult to point out the people that were beyond help. Despite his feelings on the subject, he continued to work with Elladan until the last of the wounded were on their way to their designated rooms.

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Elrond sighed and straightened up beside his latest patient. The many hours of surgery he had performed had stiffened the muscles in his back. He directed one of the other healers to finish stitching up the patient while he quickly washed his hands and walked around the room, checking on the status of the numerous patients filling the beds of the ward. There did not seem to be anything demanding his immediate attention, so he wandered into the other healing rooms, seeing that things were finally well under control. He saw Elladan stitching up some of the minor injuries, and looked around for Estel.

"Elladan, where is Estel? I have not seen him for several hours."

Elladan looked around, realizing for the first time that he had also not seen his little brother for some time. "I do not know. We were sorting out the wounded, but I have not seen him since I came back inside to help where I could."

Elrond nodded and left Elladan to his task while he continued his rounds of the healing rooms. In the last room, he found his youngest son, sitting against the wall at the back of the room, tears running down his face.

"Estel?" Elrond queried softly. "What is wrong? What are you doing in here?" Elrond looked around the room, taking in the sight of the men who were too badly injured to be helped. A few elves moved quietly around the room, bringing aid and comfort where they could.

Estel quickly wiped the tears from his face and looked up at his father. "Nothing is wrong, Ada. I'm fine."

Elrond sat down on the floor beside his son, resting his weary body and relaxing against the wall. "Now, why do I not believe that, ion-nin?" He reached over and wiped a tear off of Estel's face. "What troubles you?" Glancing around the room, he could guess what was bothering his son, but he knew that Estel needed to tell him of the thoughts troubling his mind.

Estel looked at the sheet-covered form of the man on the bed across the room. He had passed not ten minutes earlier. He looked back to his father with a sheen of tears in his eyes once more. "Why could we not help him? Or them?" Estel waved his hand to indicate the others in the room. Many of them had died within an hour of being brought here, but a few still lingered, and Elrond knew that all that could be done for them, had been done.

Elrond wrapped his arm around his son's shoulders. "Their injuries were too severe, Estel. Not all of the skill we possess would help them." He sighed and rested his head atop Estel's. "The hardest lesson a healer has to learn, Estel, is that some times, no matter how much skill we have, or how much we want to help, there is nothing we can do. We cannot save everyone, much as we would wish to."

Estel nodded. Intellectually, he knew this, but it was just so hard to actually see it, to experience it. "Does it ever get easier?" The question emerged as a broken whisper.

Elrond closed his eyes and sighed. This was one experience that he wished his son had never had. "No, I am afraid it does not. Nor should it. While we must accept our limitations as healers, it should never be easy to lose a patient." Elrond knew that the sensitive heart of his son would break a little with every patient he lost in the years to come. He would do anything he could to keep that burden from his son, but he also knew that this was one thing he would not be able to shield him from. All healers at some point in their training had to face the fact that they would lose patients. The only thing he could do was help his son find a way to face and accept those losses without losing the caring part of himself that would be wounded by each loss.

Elrond squeezed Estel's shoulders in comfort. "I will tell you what has helped me to face the loss of patients in my many years as a healer. We do not know all of Ilúvatar's plans. Death may simply be part of a larger purpose that we do not see at the moment. When the fight is taken out of our hands, it is put into the hands of one much greater than we are. There are many things in this life that are beyond our control. This is one of those things. You will feel pain at their passing, yes. You should grieve for the loss, but accept that it is not in your power to save everyone. Guilt is one emotion that you must guard against in situations like this. Do your best, save who you can, and turn the rest over to Ilúvatar."

Estel was quiet, eyes staring at the floor in front of him. Elrond placed a finger under his jaw and tilted his head up until his eyes met Elrond's. "Estel?"

"I understand," Estel said quietly.

Elrond gazed into his eyes for a long moment, reading the emotions of the young man before him. Though the anguish was visible in his eyes, Elrond could see the strength that would pull Estel through the many painful times in his life. For today, though, Elrond would do whatever he could to help him deal with what he had just experienced. Rising smoothly to his feet, Elrond reached down and pulled Estel up as well. Wrapping his arm around his son's shoulders, Elrond led him from the room. A warm meal and time with his family would help heal the wounds his heart had received today.

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After dinner, Elrond left Estel with the twins in the Hall of Fire and made the rounds through the healing rooms once more. He stopped to speak to many of the healers moving about the rooms, checking on the progress of the patients. There had been no crises in the time he had been gone, and many of the patients were now sleeping peacefully. As his last stop, he turned to enter the room where those with mortal wounds had been brought. In the doorway, he stopped in surprise. Sitting beside the bed of a man with a painful and fatal stomach wound was Estel. Since the chair was facing away from the door, Estel did not know he was there. Elrond held still in the doorway and just watched his son.

Estel took a cloth and dipped it in the basin of water sitting nearby, wringing out the excess water before gently wiping the face of the man in the bed. He was speaking softly to the man, though Elrond knew the man was beyond hearing him. Estel seemed to be telling the man about life in Imladris, the beauty of the valley in spring and the peace the valley brought to all its inhabitants. Elrond smiled as he watched Estel try to bring the dying man a measure of comfort and peace. He knew not how long he stood in the doorway watching before he saw the man breathe his last. Estel's breathing hitched as he realized what had happened, but he finished his tale, wiped the man's face one last time, then returned the cloth to the basin. He sat in silence for a long moment, simply gazing at the still face of the man in the bed. Finally, as he dropped his head toward his chest, he whispered a blessing over the man.

"Elin sílathar aen bo-vethed men lîn." (May the stars shine down on the end of your path.) Then, raising his head to look up to the heavens, he continued. "I place his fëa in your hands, where it belongs and where it has always been." Wiping the tears from his eyes, he stood up from the chair and turned to see his father standing in the doorway. Surprise widened his eyes. "How long have you been standing there?"

Elrond moved into the room to stand in front of his son. "Long enough. You did very well, ion-nin. I am sure that he greatly appreciated your presence."

"He couldn't even hear me," Estel responded softly. "But I just couldn't let him die in an unfamiliar place, all alone. I just wanted him to know that someone was here with him, that someone cared about him."

A soft smile touched Elrond's lips. "Sometimes that is the best thing we can do for someone, Estel." He stepped closer and drew his son into a hug. Elrond was so proud of his son. Estel truly had a healer's heart. His compassion and strength would enable him to bring comfort and hope to even the worst situations and win the loyalty of all those who would one day follow him. "I am very proud of you, ion-nin." Elrond whispered the words in his ear, then draping his arm around his shoulders, led his son from the room.

The End


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